When “You Can Do It!” Becomes Toxic

Encouragement. Everyone needs it. We all love it. The belief in one’s own ability, or self-efficacy, and the confidence of others, like teachers, have measurable effects on achievement. It feels great to finish a race strong, your friends and family reminding you that “you’ve got this” when you feel your energy flagging. These kinds of shiny memories make encouragement feel like a warm ray of light.

Different circumstances, however, make such encouragement more of a cold shoulder and a closed door. If I set my newborn on their feet, telling them, “You can do it! I know you can walk!” that baby is still going to fall on their face and likely be injured. That would make me an abusive parent. A good parent offers tummy time, takes good care of their baby, and waits.

If I told my class of fourth graders “I know you can multiply fractions,” I might be encouraging them, but if they haven’t been adequately instructed, prepared, and supported for the specific task I’m giving them, I’m just telling them I’m unwilling to help them. I’m giving them an unreasonable expectation that will cause something we know erodes self-efficacy: learned helplessness.

What Expectations Are We Communicating?

Reasonable expectations can lift employees, students, family, and friends. We often communicate expectations indirectly, like when we ask our partners if they’ve done a household task or react with displeasure when a friend calls us too early in the morning. Encouragement acts as a way of communicating expectations indirectly as well, and thus it must also pass the test of reasonability. I’m not about to ask my spouse if he repaved the driveway or get upset at my friend for calling me when I was unexpectedly busy—my husband has never poured concrete, and my friends can’t read my mind (at a distance, anyway). Thus, I can’t say, “You can do it!” when my son is struggling to sing a song to which he knows none of the words.

This concept has come into play in the workplace recently as a friend has been the subject of disciplinary action at work. His bosses continually tell him that they expect a certain quality of work out of him and that they “know” he is capable of it. On the surface, it sounds encouraging and positive, but after months where he has done his damnedest to meet their expectations and failed, it takes on new meanings. If he is completely capable of doing what they are asking, but isn’t achieving it, the implications are dark: he’s being lazy or slacking off; he’s being sloppy and not paying attention; he’s intentionally doing other things during work time; or he lied about his experience. They are, in fact, making some of those assumptions. A good manager, on the other hand, will see that the third person in a position not meeting expectations is more likely evidence of unreasonable expectations than bad employees.

“Encouragement” Becomes Discouraging

Beyond the danger of imbuing others with learned helplessness through unreasonable expectations, the “you can do it” attitude puts targets in a position where they cannot receive help. If they are capable, they shouldn’t need help, and your assurances of their capability tell them that you aren’t offering any help.

Let’s go back to the walking baby analogy. If my baby reaches an appropriate age for walking, but is still falling on their face when they try to stand, my voiced confidence in their capability still probably won’t help, and it’s not because the baby is being willfully disobedient. I should probably take my baby to the pediatrician and possibly have them evaluated for problems with muscles, nerves, or other things that may stand in the way of walking.

Similarly, with an employee, a good manager who has an employee failing to meet expectations will help to identify real roadblocks rather than making assumptions of laziness or obstinance. Some argue that laziness doesn’t even exist, and I think they have a point. If we want to help people around us to develop—whether it’s to mature, gain skills, learn, or change behavior—we have to add something important to our encouragement. Five little words entirely change the implications of the encouragement:

“You can do it. Here’s how I can help.”