Setbacks Can Push You Forward–If You Let Them

For most people, 2020 is a year of setbacks.

Or, to paraphrase that Japanese Amusement Park working on reopening, it is a year to “scream inside your heart.”

Setbacks suck. Watching a business that you’ve worked years to build up spiral down the tube through no fault of your own is painful. Struggling like so many people are to figure out how to get through with a virus running rampant and the economy in shambles can make any potential good seem impossible. And that’s not even touching on the political climate.

With all that said, setbacks can lead to growth.

This is going to be a personal post, so bear with me.

The NICU Trial and Beyond

My son had a terrible time getting into this world. Without going into too many details at this point, I’ll sum it up by saying that my wife was on bedrest for months, much of that in the hospital. And when he was born, he weighed less than two pounds and spent many more months in the NICU before he came home.

And he had a twin brother that didn’t make it.

During that time, I had recently started a new job at a large public accounting firm. He was born during the middle of Busy Season. At the time, those in the office were very supportive and gave me all the assistance they could.

Then time went on. My son eventually came home. And because I put on a facade at work, people thought I was all better, that everything was suddenly fine.

Looking back, I was clearly depressed and probably should have gotten professional help, but I grew up always being able to just push through things, so I figured this would be the same. Which undoubtedly prolonged the struggle.

My work was fine enough. I did what I was asked, plus a little more. My reviews were better than some of my colleagues, worse than others.

And then I got passed over for a promotion that I really should have gotten. It felt like the ultimate slap in the face, a final humiliation after a couple years of pushing through long nights trying to hide tears that would randomly spring to my eyes when a couldn’t keep my stray thoughts in line.

Finding Wisdom In Setbacks

When I was told I was getting passed over, I was pissed. I talked with several of the managers, and my takeaway (whether accurate or not) was that the partner didn’t want to promote everyone from my group and I was the easiest target.

But then my thinking started changing. I remained frustrated with both the partner and the firm (even a tiny bit to today). But I realized, slowly, that I needed to change my priorities.

See, I was a great student. I was good at figuring out what the teacher wanted and delivering. My goal was to do the professional equivalent, to find a big corporation with lots of security and work my way up the same way I got A’s in high school.

I realized, though, that the company didn’t care about me. They didn’t care about my family or my needs. They gave me a week or two of bereavement and called it good, that I should be back to 100%.

If I wanted something in my life, I had to change what I did. And with everything that happened, I realized my family came first.

So I made a change. Then another. Then another. Which eventually led me to here, where I have reasonable work-life balance. And with my teaching, I’m doing something I actually love rather than droning my way up a metaphorical ladder.

Getting Out of the Trough

The hardest part with setbacks is that first step. That mental change from yelling to the world “This isn’t my fault!” to realizing “But it is my responsibility.”

That’s not easy. Some people spend their whole lives in that trough. I’m sure you’ve met them, those who are bitter at everyone and everything in the world. Those who are angry at some slight–some small, some devastatingly huge–and just can’t get past it.

I don’t know specifically your situation. And even if I did, I doubt I could tell you what your next step would be. My path is different than yours, my setbacks are my own.

But what has helped me is to be grateful for the things that are going right–because there is always something. Then to take inventory of what step I can take next to make my situation just a little bit better.

And if that doesn’t work, or another setback comes along, I start all over again.